We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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