Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
