Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
