Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
