Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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