I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
