just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
