Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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