So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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