Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
