2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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