I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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