I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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