dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
