i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
