i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
