I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
