this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
