yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
