I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
