i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
