is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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