You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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