Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
