It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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