You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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