I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
