I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
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