ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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