And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
