I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
