In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
