Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
