Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
