He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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