I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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