in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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