I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
