I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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