Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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