I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
