Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
