My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
