There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
