How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
