Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm always down for nudity.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
