I faked an abortion last night.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
