WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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