It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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