is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
