How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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