You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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