Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
how drunk are you?
Several
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
