So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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