I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
