im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
