Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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