just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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