we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize