my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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